lessons learned

Some time ago I was asked to join a hiring committee. I told the committee I would likely not be the best person to ask, as my questions were not the norm. Being interviewed by church search committees and non-profit organizations, many of the questions centred on self-care. I have also been interviewed by private sector enterprises. They typically ask how I can help them achieve their goals. The committee wanted to know what I would ask applicants. I had three questions: 1) what failure taught you the most about yourself, 2) what recently have you learned about your strengths and weaknesses, and 3) how do you remain “steady” when all about you is shaky? I never heard back from the committee.

I was sitting around a table of people who work with the marginalized. The organizers of this gathering had called together 20 of us for input. By the time we had heard from 10 of us, the meeting had shifted to the despair of those we were supporting. The meeting ended without everyone getting to speak, without any strategy or plan of action. As I was leaving the room a long-time colleague walked with me. He was curious, “You are a talker, but you almost never talk at these meetings.” I realized something about my work habits, I focus on the tasks at hand, only when these are accomplished do I become my loud and engaged self.

Failure taught me to leave behind “people-pleasing” for something more lasting. My focus on getting things done, before networking, before fun, before pontificating, has made me productive but also increasingly solitary. And when things are “shaky” I remember, in a decade, what will I look back on, at this moment, and feel either pride or embarrassment. In short, realizing that history looks back at our statements, our beliefs, our struggles, and sees things from the perspective of what lasts, not what is “of the moment”. This perspective gives me peace, steadies me. I still have a long way to go. I focus so much on work that I leave everything else a distant second. I participate now in countless funerals, when I hear children say, “when Dad came home, he left work behind and focused on us”, I remember that was my father too. That was/is not me.

I am not tied to a role, nor do I need to be needed. But I love my work.

our job

Very early this morning I was making a delivery to a low-income client. I was not familiar with the area. The street was closed. Personnel holding signs were present. I asked, “on this side of the street are numbers 1-51, on the other side of the street 2-25, I am looking for unit 70, do you know if it is around the corner?” The man holding the DO NOT ENTER sign did not look up, “I have no idea, and besides, it’s not my job.” My first instinct, I wondered, if the roles were reversed, he was in a church I served and asked me a question, how would he like it if I responded, “I have no idea, and besides, it’s not my job.” I have a good guess.

Years ago, I met a volunteer at a local foodbank, someone who took refugees into her own home, three families from three different countries. She spent countless hours at the foodbank. A client living with many challenges had reached out to her one evening, he promised to meet her the next morning. I met her that morning, she was frantic with worry, he had not shown up. Everyone she was meeting at this foodbank was a life she felt she could save, mend, restore. She was prepared to do everything in her power to do this. She was progressively burning out.

What is our “job”? I struggle with this. For many years I was like this volunteer, but later I realized I could not mend all brokenness, even my own. Humility has taught me I have my own issues to confront, “fixing others” can be a convenient way to distract me from the need to look in the mirror. Still, I am a believer in Jesus, and Jesus reached out, was a healing, just, and affirming presence. Jesus offered unconditional love, he too could be challenged (witness the woman whom he compared to a dog), and he would occasionally challenge the challenged to take that first step (“take up your bed and walk”). But mostly, Jesus comforted the afflicted and afflicted the comfortable (no stained-glass windows of upending the money changing tables in the Temple). Jesus is my guide.

I now pray over the need, what I have to offer, acknowledge the limits of my efforts. Still, I can’t help everyone, but I can help some and I can help the larger cause by supporting a Guaranteed Annual Income, climate change and an inclusive society. It’s “our job” to care. It’s who we are.

breaking bread

Days are flying by. Many are asking me to come and “break bread” with them one last time before I leave. I enjoy these conversations, a lot has been shared, mutual learning and listening. I am so grateful for this.

I was explaining to one of my hosts today, “The only topics I feel confident about are sports, politics, and religion and even there I am always asking questions. If it is another topic, I want to learn from the other.” As you have heard me say repeatedly, “listening is not agreement”. I most enjoy conversations where both parties are secure enough that we can state our views, ask each other questions, and leave the conversation to continue on another day. The most challenging dialogues are not conversations, it’s one party trying to convince the other, just waiting for enough silence to break in with another argument.

Eating together seems to unlock the impediments to a good conversation, countless times I have witnessed the sharing of a meal open-up a dialogue and produce stimulating discussion. You have offered this venue to me so many times, in your homes, at the church, at coffee shops and diners. I believe this is the Spirit that transforms a meal like Jesus’ gathering in an upper room with his friends into an everlasting and Holy Sacrament, For as often as you eat this bread and drink the cup… (1 Corinthians 11:26).

Like all good meals and conversations, there are memories, there are stories we remember, there are things we learn about others, about ourselves, there is growth. This is not a platitude, those tend to assume simple jargon can change long standing dilemmas and challenges into easy solutions, usually it is “the other’s fault”, if only they knew what we know…Life is not that easy and finding our way to the Truth often requires a lot of sharing, learning, stories, mistakes. Science helps too, science helps a lot. Faith is the constant understanding-assumption God desires connection, relationship, and in these realities love and justice shine, transforming the brokenness of today into a healing for tomorrow. Time, patience, openness, listening, community show us the way.

Thank you for 8 and a half years of good conversations, with more to come. Listening, learning, living the joys of community together.

Your loud, low-maintenance, dinner companion.

new members

I just discovered we have 12 people transferring their membership to Bethany this Sunday. Great news! Over these 8.5 years we have consistently welcomed between 10-20 people per year. There are many churches who would be envious of this experience. I believe it is a testament to the welcome and sense of community at Bethany.

Many of these new faces populate our committees and Boards. They are many great contributions to our church. Likewise, we have so many people, long-time members, who continue to offer their ministry. We are blessed with an embarrassment of riches. I have spent a lot of time listening to the familiar and new faces at Bethany, the faith studies, sermons, events, reflecting these conversations. In almost every case, the topic itself was born from a suggestion, a conversation, an experience, of someone from Bethany. I call this “organic church”.

Organic church means there are different voices, a variety of gifts and goals. What holds it together is God’s love, specifically a love that is somewhat unique to the congregation. I have served several United Churches, no two the same, all with unique personalities, gifts, challenges. Bethany is no different. The spirit of community is present. I remember my first Sunday here, in 2015, how delighted I was by the turnout at coffee hour, the robust conversations in the Hall, how many people then, and now, turn out for social events, fundraising, special services, programming. More often than not the Hall is filled with people.

We came out of COVID stronger than most churches. Before COVID attendance was 150-170, now 125-150. Most churches I know, then 150, now 50-75. Why? People called each other, we offered a ZOOM ministry, outdoor events when safe, recorded services that spoke to people’s needs, ukulele classes (thanks Shawn!), during the lockdowns I received 30 emails a day responding to my daily blogs. People felt connected, and they returned. Death has taken a toll on us, like other churches, 15-20 per year. We miss them. I like it when we speak their names…

Welcome is key. How do we welcome others, create safe, joy-filled, creative, engaging opportunities to know God’s love. I will remain focused on this, each and every day, right up till June 30.

cloud of witnesses

Please note this upcoming deadline for high school grads/university students. Earl & Janet Reid Scholarship: In memory of the late Earl & Janet Reid, dedicated Bethany members, this fund helps United Church parishioners in the Halifax area attend post-secondary education. Visit Community Foundation of Nova Scotia for details https://cfns.ca/earleandjanetreidscholarship/ DEADLINE MAY 15th 2024

Today I started boxing some of my office contents for the transition on June 30/July 1. I was surprised how little is left to pack. I have been purging my books and other office materials for five straight summers, as I assumed I would be retiring in 2025. When Woodlawn showed me the “Lead Minister Office” I decided instead to take the smaller one. My colleague Bethe is thrilled. All I need are…an enthusiasm for meeting people and hearing their story, a laptop, and a large assortment of framed prints for my walls. And a cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 12:2).

Eight and a half years is a long time, especially for me. I think I should have been one of those early Methodist clergy, who changed churches every three years. Yet, in every single place I have served I was “all in” all the time. There was not an event I did not attend or participate in.

In every interaction: during visits, attending events, acting in our plays, leading studies, programming, worship services, potlucks, fundraisers, funerals, weddings, baptisms, I attempt to integrate, weave, the conversations, actions, learnings, from those I have met and partnered with in previous churches. I do not live in the past or reach back to nostalgia or that familiar itch of good feelings. When I leave, I leave. I have witnessed colleagues who could not let go, it made it hard on their successors, it meant they were constantly allowing people to tell them “Reverend (name) is not like you…” Flattery is a drug, it is not healthy. I remind colleagues, know the same number of people who think the new minister does not measure up to you are telling your predecessor the same thing about you. People will think you are great until you say or do something they don’t like. “Great sermon” usually = I agree with you.

What I love about Bethany and all the churches I have served, is what you have taught me about life, faith, love. You make me better.

triage

I received a lot of feedback on Sunday’s service. People at the door, at coffee hour, over email, wanted to talk to me about prayer. If you missed it, here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mB_YjPSP2zA  I asked, “can you share the words of the grace shared with your family at meal times?”. That will be my question at our Picnic with Prayer in the Piercey Peace Garden this Tuesday at 12 noon. Please bring your lunch.

Recently, Kim took her sister-in-law to the emergency department, Jenny was not sure if her ankle was broken or sprained. The triage nurse explained the process, a sign over desk said it all, “Worst Goes First”. But several waiting patients did not seem to understand this system. A person would arrive with chest pains, they would be seen immediately. “I was here long before him”, one angry woman said to the nurse. The nurse tried to explain, but the angry patient kept interrupting, “It’s not fair!”

On the positive side, we in western democracies have successfully built a culture that demands fairness. If you want something, come early, the line-up matters. At the foodbanks I visit nothing causes more trouble than someone breaking into a line. And no one likes special treatment. As a minister if I say something complimentary about someone I will quickly hear, “You’d better say that about everyone or it won’t be fair.”

BUT there are exceptions. Sometimes it’s not about fairness, meaning treating everyone the same. Sometimes it’s about helping those who need it most. Some in our society have been overlooked, badly treated, and therefore a concerted effort is required to remedy this challenge. Affirmative Action is a hiring approach to help get marginalized peoples into the workforce. Public apologies remind populations of wrongs that require constant effort to do better. Symbols of welcome, specifically directed to some, are needed to address a perception of intolerance.

Speaking of fair…it certainly isn’t fair to die at 23 or 15. On Friday I met the mom of a 23 year old RCMP officer who died. I will be presiding at the funeral Tuesday. Sunday I was called to the IWK to sit with a mom of a dying 15 year old. I listened, we cried, we prayed. Life can be very unfair. But God’s love reigns, remains, sustains. Love is all that matters.

Sunday Morning Worship

I hope to see you on Sunday at 10:30 am. Many will watch via livestream, Sunday or another day. We are grateful to our AV team: Barry Paton, Rob Steeves, Steve Morley, Glen Knapp, & Penny Allen. Here is a link to the service:

Bargain Bonanza Update We want to thank everyone who has donated items for the Bargain Bonanza! We have lots of great things to sell. Tomorrow, Sunday, May 12th is the last day to bring donations as we're almost out of storage space. If you have anything to bring in, please drop it off tomorrow morning in the gym 9:30 - 10:15, or 11:30 - 12:30. No donations will be accepted after 12:30 PM tomorrow. Our volunteer sign-up sheets are also filling up. Please check the bulletin board outside the sanctuary to see where you might like to help. There are lots of things to do, starting May 21 with set-up! Thanks so much. Louisa Duck

Happy Mother’s Day! When I was a young lad, my mother insisted we begin every meal with “grace”. Together we said, “God is good, God is great, thank you for our food…Amen”. If there was a grace shared at your table, growing up, and what specifically was said. Please let me know.

Grace is one type of prayer. So is praying for others/ourselves. Why do we pray?  For me, I pray because I am compelled to do so. Something in me cries out for engagement, relationship, attentiveness. I pray because I yearn for connection with an Other who is God, and that connection is best forged in prayer. With words, without words, through tears, in hope, and in despair, prayer holds open the possibility that I am not alone.

When you pray for others, over a bedside, an in-home visit, in a hospital waiting room, don’t underestimate what it feels like for that person to hear it, to experience it. And likewise, when people want to pray for you, take them up on the offer. It’s not that you deserve it. It’s not that you’ve earned it. It’s not that you will ask for it. It’s that perhaps someone sensed you needed it. And maybe you do.

words of affirmation

I bring happy and sad news. On Saturday Max Martin (UCC minister) and Samantha White will marry in our MacKinnon Chapel. On Friday Roy Nicholson died. Please keep Shirley and her family in your prayers.

I share news in the week to come…Bethany’s Affirming Working Group invites you to an evening Words of Affirmation Tuesday May 14th 7:00 -9:00 PM in the Fellowship Hall (refreshments). We are pleased to offer a National Film Board of Canada 30 minute documentary, “In Other Words” by Jan Padgett, followed by discussion. This film explores homophobic language, its consequences among teens, but is applicable across the lifespan. We will also review and discuss our current Bethany Visioning statement as we discern who we are as a community of faith, including how we are called to act with justice and compassion for gender and sexual minorities and others who have been marginalized or silenced and how we seek to live out that call. Please join us as we continue to explore what it means to be an Affirming Ministry, expanding and enriching our understanding of God's inclusive love.

The Affirming Working Group has now been offering these evenings for two years. One question I have heard, “Why are we not offering a debate, hearing from two sides?” Let me respond directly. The United Church of Canada is fully committed to inclusion. We are NOT, under any circumstances, offering a platform for speakers to come into our churches and voice anything that undermines that message. This Affirming journey is NOT a debate about whether the UCC should be inclusive to the Queer community, that debate was over long ago. This journey is about whether we as a community of faith are ready to publicly embrace a commitment of inclusion so persons exploring a relationship with us feel safe to enter, feel safe to belong. If we aren’t ready to for that commitment, that is our choice, and a vote would reflect this (it must be more than 75%). In the last several years many of our neighbouring United Churches have followed an identical journey to ours and voted 100% in favour. I invited Ian, a lay leader at St. James UC, so you would hear why people would want to be an Affirming Church. Ian’s son is gay. He wanted to know if his church was a safe place to worship. It’s a question many of us ask.

conspiracy

I worked from home Wednesday as our old car was making very strange sounds. I have a confession to make…I have not been taking the bus for some time. Kim purchased a new car. Our child wanted the old one. But when the cost of insurance was explained…the car still belongs to us. Now I drive the old car while our child and Kim share the new one. It turns out the brake caliper fell off. When I got in the car the channel had been changed by the mechanics who fixed it, from CBC to what I call, “old angry man’s talk radio.” My Dad used to listen to talk radio, when we visited, he would leave it on in the background (I find it odd how many of those I visit leave the radio or television on, even when they are not paying attention to it). Lots of anger, it’s always somebody’s fault, the word “them” comes up a lot. If only the listeners were in charge…

I note the change in the way we think of conspiracy theories. They existed in my youth and young adulthood, but we tended to laugh about them; fake moon landings, flat earth society, governments poisoning us with the water we drink. Being suspicious isn’t a bad thing, lots of things we used to accept as common sense we now know are dangerous. But there is a difference between being skeptical and living with a huge chip on your shoulder, assuming everyone is out to get you. The former is discerned by research, science, reading widely. The latter is preserved by keeping your search for truth focused on resentments, grievances, anger.

There is an amusing quote, “just because you’re not paranoid, doesn’t mean the world isn’t out to get you.” I commonly question conventional wisdom. The “good old days” look strange when we shine the light of reason and justice on them. And lest you become self-righteous, think how our children and grandchildren will look at how we live and talk.

My sense is this, the world is changing very rapidly. Change is constant, some of it points to a better tomorrow, some is just an embarrassing fad, and some can be disturbing. The Holy Spirit reveals the truth when it is separated from our privilege, self-serving anger, resistance to learn anything new. Does love flourish in this change, or is it smothered?

Moon landings are real. The earth is round. My water is safe.

PS This postcard is the only conspiracy item I own, purchased in Bangor.

guest speaker

As mentioned, many times in these blogs, I find it interesting how the same people who tell me how concerned they are with generalizations, usually with reference to them, use generalizations to describe gender stereotypes, the attitudes and behaviours of different age groups (boomers, Gen Z, etc…). This brings to my mind Jesus’ words, “don’t focus on the speck in your sibling’s eye when you have a plank in yours”.

When I offer words to a gathering I try to remember conversations with people who will be present; especially as they represent certain demographics. I try to include references, iconic events, experiences, concerns, and joys, those who are listening will identify with. If you only speak to people who look, live, and think like you, the offering is “preaching to the choir”. I work, early weekday mornings, with foodbank clients. The composition of these 75-100 people I engage five times a week has shifted; the large majority are still people my age who look like me, but there are now also some who are new to Canada. Regardless, when government or non-profit agency staff come to speak with the clients, I remain frustrated by the jargon, language spoken by people who spend most of their time with each other. Clients will wait till these staff have left, then ask, “so what were they talking about?” Ironically, on all the literature distributed there are words like inclusion and diversity.

There is no shortcut to listening, talking with the people whom you will be addressing. I am frequently asked to speak with groups; in part because I am loud, but also because I know a lot of people, who suggest me as a speaker. When people ask me for advice, I always respond, “listen”, you will know what the audience is interested in. I do not, ever, just give people platitudes, tell people what they want to hear. There is a difference between knowing what is on people’s hearts and minds, and “preaching to the choir”. Deep down, I think people appreciate hearing something challenging, something they would not normally hear about.

I was delighted on Tuesday, to hear Thomas Duck, speak to the JOY lunch gathering on his lengthy stay in Australia. Thomas was conversational, he knew this audience, he was funny, and at times, very thought provocative, when he spoke of his visit to Hiroshima, Japan. It was time well spent, a wonderful afternoon. Thanks Thomas.

strive to be happy

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Luke 12:34

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive [God] to be. And whatever your labours and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. Desiderata

The other night, after a very long day, I went into my closet, my drawers, the various footwear I own, all in excellent condition, all purchased at thrift stores, and I sorted. Kim is a light sleeper, she does not like this practice of mine. Fortunately, it only comes a few times a year. Starting at 10 pm, it can last till 3 am. I can also do this with books, files, records, everything I own. I choose an item, I put all of them on the floor, separating them by topic (written material) or colour (clothes). I then pick up each item, have I looked at it, worn it, in a year? If no, unless it is record (like taxes) I might need from a legal standpoint, it goes away. Those things I choose to keep remind me, it’s time to “use it or lose it”.

God miraculously offers the gift of life. How it happens, and the purpose of the suffering, fragility and mortality that is included, remain a mystery. What is not confusing, at least for me, is the why of life, the purpose and meaning of this existence. Some may get lost in the chasing of worldly success, the grasping at conformity (often another word for common sense), the keeping score of resentments and tracking of “fairness”, but for me I try to “keep my eyes on the prize”, which is hope, justice, joy, beauty, love. Life in abundance my choices, my treasure what I keep, my happiness what I strive for. Each day, to make this desire come to life, there must be choices, decisions, this, not that.

This is not piety. I am not hiding from reality, pretending life is easy. My eyes, mind, heart are open; I see beauty and pain, feel connections and loss, know justice and evil. I distrust distraction, assimilation, separation. Humility reminds me I have my own temptations, flaws, weaknesses. But as Flannery O’Connor paraphrased John 8:32 “We shall know the truth, and the truth shall make us odd”. Strive to be happy.